The older I get...

the more I wish I'd have been able to see George Carlin live.  This little bit of wisdom from the late, great genius seems fitting for Future Enviromentalist Indoctrination Earth Day.

(And, I'm sure I don't have to tell you that you can expect some salty language in this piece.)

What I Learned Today -- 4/1

Today I tried to pull some April Fool's Day pranks on my online friends via Facebook.  With the advice of my wife, I decided to forgo the typical April Fool's jokes that we're pregnant (nothing funny about that one), that I've quit or been fired from my job (no need to jinx it), and/or weather related pranks (which is something only my grandma would find funny, and I'm pretty sure she's been banned from Facebook to help cure her FarmVille addiction).

So, this morning before leaving for work, I hastily jotted down the following "joke":

I can't believe that they aren't going to allow on the course spectators at the Masters this year because Tiger didn't want people watching him. The guy is a diva. And the people running the Masters tournament are a bunch of wimps for caving into his demands.

At the time of my writing it, I thought it would be good for a chuckle or two, but I now realize it was too much of a niche joke (and not all that funny in hindsight).  One of my friends believed it was true, but it didn't bring me too much joy to point out that it was my April Fool. 

So, the first lesson of the day:  make sure to keep your audience in mind when concocting a prank.

When I got home for lunch, I decided to give it another try and came up with the following:

You know, the more I've read about it, the more ObamaCare sounds like a good idea.

This joke still brings me much pleasure, because anyone who knows me or has been reading my blog knows that very little is going to convince me that ObamaCare is a good idea.  I also liked that it was more personal than the first joke, which lent more credance to it's credibility.  And, it is a controversial topic, so I figured it would chase out a few people who were happy for my conversion and others who would be pissed about it.  I ended up getting one of each reply.  I also recieved a challenge from my cousin JB for me to prove on my blog that it's a good idea.  Another friend questioned whether it was an April Fool.  And my Mom gave me a "Oh, that's rich" reply, which is exactly the reaction that makes me happy that she's my Mom.

Lesson number 2:  personal pranks are better than celebrity news pranks, those of political nature need to be crafted by a master jokesmith to be effective (and I'm not a master political jokester, nor was my attempt very effective).

I decided to give it one more try, this time broadening the scope of the joke, and going for something a little more lighthearted.  I came to this joke while walking to the bathroom at work (number 1), which is where I often get my best ideas.  I decided to end my April Fool's Day with this "gem":

Ugg, someone broke into my car and stole my CD case filled with my Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga, Adam Lambert, GLEE, and Celine Dion CD's. Luckily my Miley Cyrus CD was in the CD player because only "Party in the U.S.A." can lift my spirits at a time like this.

This update was probably the most successful one I had today.  I received kind words from my friends, including:

• L.G. -- "my 10 year old has all of these if you want to copy them".  (I would never copy someone elses cds, because everyone knows piracy hurts us all)
• T.B. -- "I assume you had your mp3 player loaded with the Best of the Jonas Brothers and Hansen."  (of course I did)
• C.R. -- "This prank fails because everyone assumes you have copies and b-sides on your hard drive."  (again, guilty as charged)
• A.B. reminded me to just "nod your head like ya".  (words to live by.  also, a candidate for my next tattoo)
• D.R. -- "that's a devastating loss.  Tell the wife to hide the rope and shower rods."  (great advice.  consider it done)

It's good to know that I have great friends to help me though the tough times in my life.

Lesson number 3:  Putting Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber's names in a blog post should help pick up the page hits from the 10-15 year-old demographic.
___________________________________________________________________

SONG:  "Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley

THINKING BACK ON:  Seven years ago today was the first time I told my Wife that I loved her.  We had been dating for about a month and a half and had been doing the "I really like you" tightrope walk up until that point.  We were upstairs at my parent's house and were watching a movie.  I finally psyched myself up enough to take the plunge.  I turned to her and said, "Can I tell you something?"  And, at that exact moment, I had this internal dialogue:

Oh, man, today is April Fool's Day.  What if she thinks I'm pulling an April Fool's joke?  What if she gets pissed off and storms out of here?  What if she doesn't want to say it back?  What if I'm moving too fast?  Uh, oh, this is WAY too long of a pause.  What if she thinks we're breaking up?  Say something, stupid.  SAY IT!!!

I finally broke out of my trance and told her "I love you" for the first time.  It was terrifying and exhilarating.  And, thankfully, she reciprocated with an "I love you, too."  The rest is, as they say, history.

(Bonus) THINKING BACK ON:  The best April Fool's Day pranks that I fell for during my youth.  The ones that have always stuck with me were both carried out by my favorite radio station, 98.1 KKFM.  I don't recall which came first, but I remember that one year they were playing classic country music rather than the usual morning show.  They would occasionally announce that the station had been bought by a country music station and that they were so thankful for the support they'd received in the past when they were a classic rock station.  They also took phone calls and people were not pleased with the move, to say the least.  Very funny.

The second prank came when the station announced that the Broncos had traded John Elway to Pittsburgh for Kordell Stewart (who had played QB at CU, so he was basically a local boy).  This was before the internet was a huge phenomenon, so people couldn't hop online to double check the story.  Instead, they called in to voice their support with the move (Elway was at the end of his career and Kordell was a great athlete) or their opposition to the trade (Elway IS the Broncos.  Kordell is not half the QB of Elway).  Again, very funny.

LINK:  The Definitive List of April Fool's Shenanigans for 2010

Oh Deer

The Wife and I have been talking about getting Brodie a friend to play with, but concerns over our eventual move back to Colorado and our lack of space has led us to sidebar this plan for now.  Little did we know we had multiple options in friends for our pooch.

(Also, I find this video much more enjoyable on mute.)



In related news, chalk a victory up for K-9s everywhere.



(h/t Sullivan)

Bob & Tom Comedy Tour

This past Saturday, the wife and I went to the Bob and Tom Comedy Tour stop in Sioux Falls.  It was a bit of a drive, but was well worth it.  It was a night of a bazillion laughs.

The show started with my favorite member of the Bob & Tom crew, Chick McGee, opening the show.  He did a little comedy to whet our comedy appetites.  I'm pretty sure the constraints that the FCC puts on him during the radio show is very frustrating for him, because he let loose with all the "blue" comedy that he's not allowed to use during his day job.  Chick introduced all of the comedians for the night and did a few jokes in between acts.  He was great.

Then Greg Warren did a half hour show and he was awesome.  He did about a half hour of material from his latest comedy album, "One Star Wonder", which I had bought before the show, along with one of his "One Star" t-shirts.  It was hilarious.  Greg is of the Cosby/Foxworthy/Gaffigan school of comedy, in which he tells stories and is a fairly "clean" comedian (I'd say it's PG-13 at worst).  Our favorite line of his (and probably of the night) was "Shut your whore mouth, Shannon." 

After Greg Warren was Bob Zany.  Bob is a veteran comedian, and when a drunk/retarded heckler started acting up, Bob put him in his place in the funniest way.  Bob did more crowd work than Greg Warren, which was a nice change of pace.  Bob does a weekly piece on the Bob & Tom show, called the "Zany Report" where he uses a news story as the setup and then gives a punchline about the story.  His comedy routine is similarly structured:  setup/punchline, setup/punchline, etc.  He was very funny.

The low point of the night was the half hour of "Donnie Baker".  Donnie is a character that calls into the B&T show a couple times a day.  Donnie is big on innuendo, which once or twice a morning is fairly funny, but is pretty intense when you're bombarded by it for a half-hour.  He had a few funny lines, but all-in-all it was a waste.  I'd have rather had an extra ten minutes tacked onto the other comedian's time than to sit laughterless for that time.

The closer of the night was the absolutely crazy Greg Hahn.  Words cannot explain Greg Hahn's act.  Go here to see his promotional video.  The guy slays me when he's on the B&T show, but to see him in person was an experience.  His material is fairly constant every time he performs, but his rapid-fire delivery and high-energy physical comedy are top notch.  There were moments during his act that I was not breathing because I was laughing so hard.  There could not have been a better way to end the night than his act.  OUTSTANDING!!!

While I wish we could have seen the show at a closer venue, we could not have asked for a better set of guys to spend the evening making us laugh (less Donnie Baker).  If you see that they are in your area, I highly recommend you go see Greg Hahn, Bob Zany, and/or Greg Warren.  You will not regret it.

Handsome Men's Club

As the president of Omaha Lodge 203 of the Loyal Order of Handsome Men, I was elated to see our group get some quality face time from the MSM (even if I wasn't invited to this taping because I got into a scuffle with McConaughey at last year's summer barbeque over a blown call during the flag football game.)

You see, our group often gets over looked because of the simplicity of our club.  We don't use gimmicks like other clubs to get new recruits.  Just think about all the cool things the other groups have going for them.

The Shriners have their go-carts and the Lion's Club sells $.25 mints at the cash register of the Feed Bunk (and other fine dining establishments).  The Freemasons gain publicity from Dan Brown books, while The Knights of Columbus put on a yearly elementary school free throw contest.  The Veterans of Foreign Wars have killed people and defended this great land, where as the Skull and Bones Society is given good press from the movie "Vanilla Sky".  And don't even get me started on the Friar's Club (jokes), The New World Order (taking over the world), Scientology (hanging out with John Travolta and Tom Cruise), or the Girl Scouts (two words:  Thin Mints).

Instead, we must rely solely on our dashing, audacious good looks to gain members, provided they meet our stringent standards.

So, I was pleased to see our Grand Poobah James Kimmel step out of the shadows and allowing the outside world a glimpse of one of our illustrious meetings.

Enjoy.

"Well, he's been sticking his hand up my butt for eleven years."

"So we're pretty close."

For Dana

Channel 8's Newest Mid-Day Anchor

Introducing Channel 8's newest mid-day news anchor, Lloyd Andrews.  Born and raised on a dairy farm in Fremont, Nebraska, Lloyd grew up with a dream of one day anchoring the CBS Evening News, and he is now one step closer to fulfilling that dream.

A graduate of Hofstadter University's communications department, Lloyd has always had a passion for seeking the truth.  As a youngster, the citizens of Fremont came to know Lloyd as the youngest editor of the Fremont County Harold-Gazette, as well as the winner of the Tri-County Fair's Photo Essay Journalist of the Year three years running (1995-97).

Mr. Andrews is husband to beauty salon owner Angela and father to daughter Helen, age 10, and twin sons Sheldon and Lester, age 7.  The family also owns two dogs, a cat, and a turtle, as well as a small herd of alpacas on the family farm.

Lloyd and his family are very active in the community.  Lloyd sits on the board of directors for the Cedar Creek Golf & Shooting Club.  His family is also active with the local 4-H club and with their church.  Lloyd was also a member of the school board, before term limits forced him to step down.

Lloyd Andrews is also a founding member of Team Morthern Colorado during the month of Movember.  This year, his team raised over $600 and had over 25 members growing Mo's.  MoBro Eric Lundy lead the team with over $250 raised.  (Any last minute donations are of course accepted by going HERE).

Team Morthern Colorado would like to thank our family and friends for their support during this event.  Our goal is to change the face of men's health, and I truly believe we did.

Stay classy Morthern Colorado.  Stay classy.

UPDATE:  Team Morthern Colorado has now raised $666.  If anyone would care to donate a buck, we'd sure appreciate it.  We'd hate to end Movember on such an "unlucky" number.  Thanks.

Now I'm convinced

Al Gore made a cameo on one skit and had a sit down with Seth Myers on Weekend Update on SNL last night.  The guy is fairly funny, but most politicians are.  And, most of them get some great writers when they are on the show because they are playing to a mostly sympathetic audience.

During weekend update, Al had some good lines (the popular vote being the only one that he pays attention to, for example) and took a couple of funny shots at NBC.  But, his bit on his needing to start acting crazy so that politicians can understand how dire global warming climate change the climate crisis is was not very well written, nor was it funny.

I kind of feel sorry for the guy.  He worked really hard to drum up enough fear of global warming climate change the climate crisis, and along the way won an Oscar and  Nobel Peace Prize (?!?!).  He even has a congress and president who are sympathetic to his cause.  And still, not enough government interference into the day to day lives of US citizens is occurring for his liking.  Well, it is occurring (think bailouts and health care), just not in his chosen field.  So he's relegated to peddling his newest book on a late night comedy show.

Here is his segment on SNL last night.  I'd give him a B+ for his delivery, and an F- for the material.

Top 10 List

Here are my favorite bands/artists (and my favorite song(s) they perform) separated into genres.

ROCK (Top 20- as it is my favorite genre)
Van Halen -- 1) Right Now 2) Finish What Ya Started 3) Love Walks In 4) 5150 5)Best of Both Worlds
AC/DC -- Thunderstruck
The Beatles -- Drive My Car
Aerosmith -- Sweet Emotion
Led Zepplin -- Ramble On
Pink Floyd -- Wish You Were Here
CCR -- Fortunate Son
Def Leppard -- Armageddon It
Lynyrd Skynyrd -- Free Bird
ZZ Top -- La Grange
Rolling Stones -- Honkey Tonk Woman
Journey -- Faithfully
Beach Boys -- God Only Knows
Queen -- Fat Bottomed Girls
Steve Miller Band -- The Joker
Jimi Hendrix -- The Wind Cries Mary
The Eagles -- Hotel California
Elton John -- Your Song
U2 -- Sweetest Thing
The Band -- The Weight

Modern/Alternative Rock
Dave Matthews Band -- 1) Crush 2) Rapunzel 3) Grey Street 4) All Along the Watchtower 5) You & Me
O.A.R. -- Crazy Game of Poker
Foo Fighters -- My Hero
Matchbox 20 -- Damn
Creed -- One
Mat Kearney -- Undeniable
Hootie & the Blowfish -- Let Her Cry
John Mayer/John Mayer Trio -- Who Did You Think I Was?
Jason Mraz -- Live High
Limp Bizkit -- Break Stuff

COUNTRY
Carrie Underwood -- 1) So Small 2) Last Name 3) Starts with Goodbye 4)I Just Can't Live a Lie 5) Play On
Garth Brooks -- Rodeo
Chris Ledoux -- Copenhagen
Johnny Cash -- Get Rhythm
George Straight -- The Chair
Reba McEntire  -- Fancy
Alan Jackson -- I Don't Even Know Your Name
Kenny Rogers -- The Gambler
Toby Keith -- Getcha Some
Hank Williams, Jr. -- Family Tradition

POP
Kelly Clarkson - 1)Walk Away 2)Breakaway 3)Already Gone 4)The Trouble w/ Love 5)Behind Hazel Eyes 
Justin Timberlake -- Chop Me Up
Pink -- Sober
Kenny Loggins -- I'm Alright
Whitney Houston -- I Wanna Dance with Somebody
Adelle -- Hometown Glory
Beyonce -- Crazy In Love
Micheal Jackson -- Billie Jean
Maria Carey -- Always Be My Baby
Leona Lewis -- I Will Be

Rap/Hip-Hop
Eminem -- 1) Lose Yourself 2) My Band 3) Stan 4) Sing for the Moment 5) My Name Is
Dr. Dre -- Forgot about Dre
50 Cent -- In Da Club
Jay-Z -- I Just Wanna Luv U
Notorious B.I.G. -- Mo Money Mo Problems
Puff Daddy -- It's All About the Benjamins
Nelly -- Country Grammar
LL Cool J -- Mama Said Knock You Out
Mary J. Blige -- Family Afair
Flo Rida -- Low

COMEDIANS
Jim Gaffigan -- 1) Bacon 2) Bed 3) Hot Pockets 4) Bowling 5) Camping 
Brian Regan -- Stupid in School
Daniel Tosh -- I Heart Dave
Jon Heffron -- Performance Review
Bill Engval -- I Love Golf
Louis CK -- I Enjoy Being White
Mike Birbiglia -- Whatever You Are, Be a Goodone
Bill Cosby -- Noah
Christian Finnegan -- Purple Shorts

Great news in Fowler

It appears that the Colorado Legislature has approved "chumming" the waters during hippie punching season, and I couldn't be happier.  There is nothing more deflating than spending the day in a tree stand waiting for a hippie to arrive so I can punch them in the face.

According to this news account, I won't have to worry about a lack of hippies during my next trip to my home town.

Tuesday, at 11:00 a.m., a news conference, with Sierra Club in Fowler's Gerard Park, will celebrate Mayor Ray Ward's commitment to reduce the town's global warming pollution by putting into place local energy solutions which save taxpayer dollars and reduce energy use.

The Sierra Club praised Mayor Ward for signing on to the U.S. Mayors Climate Protection Agreement, joining other mayors nationwide who are taking real action to re-energize their communities with proven innovative local energy solutions such as cleaner car fleets, energy efficiency and renewable energy.
"Mayor Ward and Fowler's City officials are to be commended for their leadership in curbing the city's global warming pollution," said Jenny Kedward, Chair of the Rocky Mountain Chapter of the Sierra Club. "But if Fowler is going to be a "cool" city and meet its new pollution reduction goals by 2012, Fowler will need to expand existing energy and taxpayer-saving solutions to include making buildings more energy efficient and investing in renewable energy."

Today's news conference is part of the Sierra Club's national "Cool Cities" campaign to encourage cities to take action to solve global warming one city at a time.

The Sierra Club has released a new guide, "Cool Cities: Solving Global Warming One City at a Time." a resource for citizens and local officials who are ready to take action to reduce energy waste and heat-trapping global warming pollution. The guide is available online at sierraclub.org/coolcities.

I'm going to assume that the "Sierra Club" is a front for some hippie punching coalition, and I'm going to make a monetary donation to their cause as a thanks for increasing the hippie population in my hometown.

I'm also going to commend Mayor Ray "Bushy" Ward for his innovative leadership.  In these times of economic unease, it is comforting to know that there are leaders in this country finding new ways to quench their citizenry's need for hippie-face punching.  Well done, sir.


(Thanks to Friar Tuck for pointing this story out.  And thanks to Frank J. for introducing me to the great sport of Hippie-Face Punching).

"It's supposed to be a moral puzzle."

"Solved it."

The Button - watch more funny videos

And here is my favorite of the E*Trade "Talking Baby" series of commercials, you Shankapotomuses.



And, finally, who can resist David vs. Goliath, the dog version?